I was young and a menace.

My last post was like, THREE AND A HALF YEARS AGO?! Naturally I have to use a new Fall Out Boy song lyric, because it is just way too fitting.

I feel a little weird about being "back," so to speak. Life is drastically different from where it was all that time ago. Or at least, it certainly feels like it. I mentioned in one of my last posts that I didn't feel the need to write or vent about my life anymore. This is still true, and this post will be my last on this blog.

I graduated college from the University of Rochester last winter. Biggest struggle ever, and every year greeted me with a renewed anxiety that it would be my last due to financial aid yo-yoing. I stayed a psychology major, as was intended, but they added a dance major my final semester and I ended up being the first ever to graduate from the university with a major in Dance Studies. There's an article about it over on their website, and it is easily the thing I've accomplished in my life of which I am the most proud.

Remember Robert? The guy I met on Tinder and was dating that summer in Davidson? We've been married for almost two years. After almost four years together, I feel comfortable thinking that he's my person. I feel comfortable knowing that he is the life partner I've always wanted but never knew I needed. He encourages me to try new things regularly and keeps me in check when he feels like I've let our relationship go by the wayside in the face of everyday life's routines. I decided not to attend the Warner School of Education or to pursue GRADE after graduation. Instead, we moved to Seattle last year. And we love it. It is my city. And I adopted a cat, Darcy. He is very sweet and I adore him.

For some reason or another, I ended up re-reading this blog and my entire high school memoir blog within the last 24 hours. I...words don't describe the embarrassment. I can't believe I published that, let alone ENCOURAGED people I knew in real life to read it. Oh yes, I was a hormonal, unhinged teen girl. A cringe-worthy specimen. I used people, boys especially, to get what I wanted. To try and heal from past traumas that they had had nothing to do with. And I created, no choreographed,  drama to "enhance" my life. Which was bullshit.

I have cheated in every single romantic relationship I have ever had, sans my husband. I was unstable in these relationships and did not know how to deal with issues. The combination of my immaturity and the immaturity of the boys I dated (not their fault, we were all 18 or younger) fed my instinct to sweep the issues under the rug and seek refuge in the arms of someone else. I never should have cheated on or with any of them. It was a shitty thing to do, and I can't even imagine doing that now to Robert, to this relationship. Not just because we're married, but because I had the opportunity to do so early in our relationship and didn't (I am more proud of this moment than I should be because it's basic human decency that took me like 8 years to learn for myself). I was at Jimmy's (OH YES THAT JIMMY) over the summer after I got back from Davidson and we were drinking/smoking, and we passed out in bed. I groggily woke up to him trying to get into my pants. For a split second, I thought about just doing it, because I was tired and he was right there, but I didn't. I kept pretending to be asleep and turned away. I said no, not just because I was in a relationship but because somewhere inside, I knew that being with Robert was different from the others. It felt special, and I didn't want to taint that. I haven't seen or talked to Jimmy since.

When I graduated from Rochester early, I wasn't just going towards Robert and our life together. I was also running from Ian. Ian, who I once thought was perfect. Ian, who scared me like Jimmy used to scare me. Ian, who sexually assaulted me and abused and manipulated me. It wasn't that I was afraid of what I might do; it was how he made me feel powerless and terrified every time he walked into where I worked or when I passed him on campus. And maybe that's letting him win, but it was something I was willing to lose when I regained my freedom after four years.

TJ and I don't speak anymore either. Haven't in over a year. Long story short, we tried being friends for awhile but he still had feelings for me. He called my mom to try to get her to give him my Rochester address last fall so he could drive up and surprise me and try to win me back. He kept saying over and over how he had made a mistake when he turned me down after we saw each other for spring break my freshman year. Thankfully, she was able to talk him down. He's been with a girl since about that time. They look happy, and I hope he is happy. He deserves it, especially after I treated him so disrespectfully in the first entire year of our relationship.

And Graham? He friended me on Facebook at some point after I saw him in 2014 (passing through on my way to Davidson). He's been in a relationship with a girl since his freshman year of college (dumped Blair around the end of his senior year, he told me he realized she was crazy). They're now married; I couldn't be happier for him. They are a beautiful couple, and even though we don't speak directly, that's really okay. He's happy and I'm happy. It's all I ever wanted for both of us, regardless of whether that was with each other.

Life is by no means easy. I'm an adult living in a cool city, and I have bills on bills on bills. Robert is starting a business, which isn't making money right now, making me the "breadwinner" for the time being. Staying in love enough after almost four years together is work, but it's work I want to put in. And it is relatively simple to put in that work when it's with someone you want to work with and who wants to work with you. I'm so grateful for that, for him. I won't dive into something gushy like "oh my god thank the lord for Robert he is perfect." He isn't perfect. We have fights and disagreements about our ideas of what our life together should look like. It is a struggle some days. But it's worth it every day.

What's more is that I don't feel like I need him to feel complete. I like having him around (well, that's an understatement), we complement each other, but he's not necessary to my survival. I think that that's the most important lesson I've learned over my almost-decade of blogging: I don't need someone else to be happy. I feel competent and strong enough to live on my own, should that time ever arise in my life. I spent so many years of my life thinking I needed someone else to feel like I was worth something and when I was alone (particularly when someone was leaving me), I felt like a sack of shit. I wasted those years desperate to be loved. And while I don't want to imagine a life without my husband (if I did, then what would be the point of being married be), I think I would, eventually, be okay.

Signing off here for the last time. If you're so inclined, anyone out there, my Twitter linked up top is still active and is also linked to Darcy's and my Instagram accounts.

Thanks for reading.

From an office desk in the middle of NC

Almost two months without an update, with nothing really to update.

I've determined that North Carolina, at least Davidson, is the real-life incarnation of hell. It's too hot, and there is never a breeze. Gnats and flies and other bugs are always everywhere, especially when I try to run before it gets dark. My job here doesn't make anything any better. I have no car so I'm stuck on campus unless I decide to walk somewhere in the immediate area, which is difficult because, again, it’s deliriously hot. My hours (1-10pm) discourage any kind of traditional human schedule so I find it hard to exercise at regular times. The food I get for free has gone from decent to inedible; any chance I have of regular food means ordering out, coffee, or trekking to CVS. My pay is shit per hour at roughly two dollars less than minimum wage. My boss changes styles and moods faster than Florida weather. The parents hover and are relentless over the phone, but apparently it's my fault they're upset that their kids haven't called home in a day. I had ZERO formal training for this position, though literally everyone else did. It's bullshit, and I'm never doing this again. I like working in an office in general, but I will not come back to this program as an office assistant. It's going to be academic side or no dice, and I'd only ever come for one term instead of two. I really regret not taking the PCP job over in Rochester; I could've worked at Starbucks still, or taken a free class. I'd have loved the northern summer air. Maybe next year.

Even next year is up in the air because of Robert. This distance is taking its toll on us. He'll be in Florida a month from now, visiting for a week. We're counting down the days; right now, it's about 36. He's been going crazier than I have, but I'm rapidly catching up. I miss him terribly, and I don't know what we're going to do after this year. We face three years of distance, of only getting to visit every 4-6 weeks for a weekend or school break. We'd be on opposite coasts. And I told him once he moved, I'd come visit every summer for what time I could, but we've fought about it because anything less than the three months I have off apparently isn't enough. But I need money to help pay for school, a guaranteed job before I make any summer plans off in San Francisco or Seattle. I'd love nothing more than to spend that time with him, but I can't afford to without knowing. To offset this issue, he's offered to pay for my contribution for the tuition I'd earn in the event I don't have a job for sure where he lives, but that's a LOT of money for him to just be giving me. I don't know if I can just...take it. It's much too sweet. I’m working on making sure I have some time with him throughout next summer to move him into his new place and furnishing it and such. It’s something he’s particularly excited about, and I am, too.

But Robert has been so incredible, even with this distance. In addition to the tuition offer he made, he helped me through my financial aid crisis a few weeks ago. He worked out with me what to ask my FA counselor, crunched numbers with me, and even laid out a proposition to let me live with him for the year if I can't pay for on-campus housing. Now thankfully, my situation is much less dire; I owe significantly less as of yesterday (to be officially updated soon), which is 10k less than I was to originally owe. Plus he's told me about his fear of moving in too early and it destroying our relationship, so I wasn't going to move in unless it was between that and sleeping in the library. But it was so kind of him to offer, without my asking even. On an unrelated-to-money note, once we were messaging on Facebook about food and then he ordered me pizza and boneless buffalo wings, again without my asking. They were delicious. And we've been sending clothes back and forth; currently, I have my favorite pair of his sweatpants, which he's been notoriously protective of. While I appreciate it and love it very much, they're not quite the same without stealing them from him to wear in place of walking around his room naked. He's also sent me a phone tripod for pictures [of all kinds] and two other gifts, the latter two sent to my house to open for my birthday last month. We've exchanged letters, too.

I can't wait to see him again. Or to leave this job. Or to get home. I'm gonna miss Fuel Pizza, though. A lot. Their wings are my favorite. But that's nothing compared to a real shower, or a worthwhile job, or a comfortable bed, or falling asleep next to someone I love very much.

You and I

I haven't felt the need to write lately. Or rather, to vent.

I think I finished the year on a high note. I'm glad to have experienced what I've experienced, and it's only my freshman year. I have three years left in undergrad, one or two in graduate studies. I have so much to look forward to. Now, I'm home for another week until I'm off to Davidson and Duke TIP. Meanwhile, my program for graduate school offered a class to take online for free, and I'm taking advantage of the opportunity. I needed the mental stimulation.

I realize I haven't blogged about Robert much yet. Things are just...too amazing to put into words. As an example, last month he started me on this surprise, and I knew nothing about it. I thought it was just one thing, but it turned out to be a twelve-part clue game and scavenger hunt. It took quite a bit of mental effort and time, and I loved every last second. It culminated in meeting him at Lake Ontario Beach, by the lighthouse down the pier. With him he had a basket for a picnic, a bouquet of daises, and a letter. Inside that letter were many sweet things, though none quite as sweet as the one at the bottom where he told me he loved me. It was quite possibly the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me. He's done so many things like that, things that touch my heart and make me melt and fall deeper in love with him than I already am.

It's funny how we started this on Tinder, an app for hook-ups, and we agreed before we ever met in person that we didn't want anything serious. I thought we were just going to be a frequent hook-up, because TJ was still kind of in the picture and Robert was older (currently 23) so he must be more experienced and not interested in someone like me. That plan quickly changed after we met. Yeah, we slept together on the first date, but you know what? I don't really care. It takes someone really, really special to make me feel so comfortable when I hardly know him, and he did that and more. He stuck around, and everyone he's met in my life has liked him. I want him around. We've bloomed into something beautiful and very different, and I can't wait to see where this goes.

The scary part is the distance. He graduates from RIT next summer, and after that he hopes to have landed a job in Seattle, a whole coast away. And I still have so many years of school left, we'd be spending quite a bit of time long-distance. We're practicing that this summer while I'm in NC and he's in California for an internship. We'll see how it goes. I don't have any reason to think this won't last, and he's the one who started telling me that he sees us together for a long time. I'm just excited about him. I light up. And there's a love here I've never experienced before, not even with Graham. This feels incredibly real. This love has taken me over and consumes me, but not like a tsunami wave. More like a pack of puppies who run up to you and start jumping at your leg and nibble your ankles and follow you everywhere until they're able to jump on you and lick you everywhere, and all you can do is smile.

What can I say? He's my favorite.

Bitter

In the form of procrastinating studying for my abnormal psychology exam that's in roughly 9 hours, I feel very bitter and so I shall write about it.

I'm bitter that a certain someone has the goddamned nerve to tell me that while he still loves me he doesn't want to be with me and can't be with me, that he doesn't want to do something he'll regret. And then less than a week later is seen on Facebook at a formal event holding the SAME GIRL he's been chasing all year WHO, MIND YOU, STILL HAS A FUCKING BOYFRIEND. So I blocked them both on Facebook, because I don't want to be a part of this shit anymore. It's not okay and I'm not going to pretend that it is okay. Yes, I have a boyfriend now, and yes, we started talking/fraternizing/dating prior to my being apparently available, but a) I didn't know what TJ and I were to begin with once spring break happened and b) I didn't know what level of what was okay with other people in a "romantic" sense.

With prom-posals being once again given the spotlight in the media, I'm bitter that I've never been asked to prom, or really asked anywhere formally or with any thought/planning behind it. And then the one time I was asked to prom in any sort of fashion, it was because a) I had expressed upset in not having been asked by him and b) I had given him exactly what I had wanted (referencing wanting a mix CD made for me and then behold, I had a prom-posal in the form of a mix CD not two weeks later), and it doesn't matter anyway because less than 2 weeks before prom he cancelled the plans and I had to go stag while I watched some random slut dance with my ex.

And it's very much not fair to Robert that even though I don't let my past experiences influence the decisions I make in future relationships, my negative experiences still stick to me and stay in my mind and every so often make me mad and hurt me. It's not his responsibility to right the wrongs of those before him. It doesn't matter that I know he'd likely happily do those things for me if I asked; he shouldn't have to do them, and so I'm not going to ask. Very simple.

I need to let shit go.

Oh Nostalgia

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Just You Wait

Won't be an RA next school year. That's fine, really. I kind of expected it. But the money is working out or at least seems to, and I have a plan for where to live. It's okay.

TJ and I were okay, or so I thought. After I got back to Rochester, I had to jump into my homework and such. Then he went back to Chicago. We Skyped once, on a weekend night, on his urging. There was a party but he didn't want to go. And then one person comes in and he decides to go. Not that I'm against him going out, but I mean. We were Skyping and talking for the first time in roughly a week and then he disappears and goes to get drunk. Whatever. And I never heard about what happened at the party. Then for the next week or so we hardly talked at all, because we both had a lot of homework to do. But I felt okay, that just because we were both busy didn't mean I felt anything any less. Well. This past Sunday, we talk, like on the phone. Our first real conversation in roughly a week. And it was intensely awkward for the first several minutes because of the heavy silence between us. Then he asks, "What're we doing, Cait?" and I told him that I don't know. Before I knew it, we weren't whatever we were anymore. I have no idea what we actually were. It's over now. Probably for good.

Funny enough, I'm okay with that. Things feel different now, more final. It doesn't seem like there's anything left for us and I don't know if I really want there to be. I'll always love him; he's my high school sweetheart, and I've shared everything humanly possible with him. He and his family will always mean more to me than I could ever find the words to express. But it's done and I have to move on.

And speaking of moving on. There's a guy I really, really like. Robert. But that's a post for a different day, like when I actually know what's going on and I have time to reflect on everything. It's been a long couple of weeks. I hardly know much of anything right now. But I do know that I'm excited for this weekend and to see him.

Upon Returning From The Sunshine State

After spending the last several days back home in Florida, I feel a lot better. I think I needed the heat and time to myself. I spent quite a bit of time reading books that I'd heard of in the last 8 months but never had the chance to read. The weather outside was, surprisingly, beautiful. The vast majority of days flaunted clear, sunny skies with a light breeze with a noticeable lack of humidity. I thought I'd never want to leave. But then what always happens happened and I grew tired of being around my family and I had to get out. That's when I escaped to my friends and TJ and TJ's family.

Universal Studios with my girls was a blast, as usual. I didn't see them as much as I'd have liked, but it was a packed week. Besides, Jenna already went on her break so she was stuck in Orlando, and Chels and I didn't have too much spare time. So then TJ. God. He was home; he is home. And it wouldn't have been home without seeing him. We had some alone time, sure, but we cut out enough of it to see his mom and dad and, of course, our nephew. Little Hunter is so freaking adorable and I never get tired of him, really I don't. I can't wait to watch him grow up. But as for TJ, we're trying again. Actually trying. And I feel really, really good about this time. I have my head screwed on straight, and I'm not going anywhere. I don't feel like he is either. So if we both work at this, the way we should have a year and a half ago, then we're going to be just fine. I want nothing more. I love him, and I realize I've gone back and forth about all this quite a few times in the last year or so, but nothing's changing. I'm his; always have been and always will be.

I have 7 weeks until the end of the semester and my freshman year. I find out tomorrow about being an RA, which is more nerve-wracking that I care to admit to pretty much anyone. I have a good feeling about it all, though. I'll know bright and early in the morning. I feel renewed with just enough of a push to finish this all on a high note. I'm excited. I just feel overly good about life. Like I said, I'm reading. I'm listening to more music again. I traded in my guitars and got a new one (a Luna classic americana parlor body; beautiful thing) so I'm playing more than I have been. Not to mention how I've been exercising and eating better. It's a wonderful thing.

Best be off to start and finish my make-up lectures and such. Let's go!